I’ve been doing a lot of covid-safe gathering recently. Let me tell you about a recent event:

It was a small group—just me and a few safe friends. We rarely see anyone, so we see each other a lot.

That’s how I choose all the groups I see: I make sure that they’re all full of people who don’t see people. All of the people in my groups limit their contact to people who they see. We’re all really safe this way!

But we know that’s not enough. We also kept six feet apart except when we got closer than six feet, and we kept masks on at all times except when we were actively eating, drinking, taking photos, yelling, singing, talking, or breathing near each other. 

With just a few alterations, such as seeing only people who you want to see and wearing masks except when you don’t want to wear masks and staying six feet apart except when you want to get closer than six feet, you too can have a covid-safe gathering.

(Disclaimer 1: This is satire.)

(Disclaimer 2: If you feel attacked, please know that I don’t mean to be attacking anyone specifically. I am far from perfect. But also if the shoe fits maybe you should think about that.)

(Disclaimer 3: If your mental health is suffering due to isolation, please reach out to your support network (or add to it) in a way that aligns with the public health guidance. We’re in the home stretch.)