In a time like this, you take one look at the news and you:

1. Click on all the links and read the comments to make sure you are fully informed and thinking critically.
2. Avert your eyes, then gently but firmly state a boundary to those nearby that you cannot share a room with news content in this season.
3. Immediately tell someone what the fuck you just read about these fucking clowns.
4. Notice a buzzing between your ears and everything goes a little green, as though some ghoulish children’s-YouTube video were living in your brain. Take a nap to resolve this.

In a time like this, your to-do list consists of:

1. Homeschooling (not your own kids; you’ve started a free Zoom classroom for kids in your neighborhood); tackling back-burner projects at work; finally repainting the living room; and writing a book of original poems.
2. Staying on top of work and necessary tasks, but also creating a lot of space for mindful recreation and relaxation.
3. To-do list? It’s a global pandemic and millions of people are out of work. Get out of here.
4. Shower (optional).

In a time like this, you eat:

1. Homemade bread and homemade brick chicken and homemade vegetable side courses on the homemade dishes you’ve thrown and recently fired in the backyard kiln/pizza oven you built last weekend.
2. Whatever your body is asking for. Some days it’s crusty old emergency boxes of Mac & Cheese; some days it’s homemade poke with all the fixings; some days it’s Chipotle; some days it’s that comforting family recipe for a creamy casserole from the ‘50s. It’s all valid.
3. Just whatever I want. Don’t bother me with this shit.
4. Desperate fistfuls of cheese balls at midnight; peanut butter.

In a time like this, you entertain yourself by:

1. Starting a virtual weekly reunion performance of your high school orchestra, playing all the old favorites as well as tongue-in-cheek renditions of modern hits.
2. Re-reading your favorite comforting book, journaling, taking baths, calling old friends, whatever the heart wants in the moment.
3. Why does it matter? Everything is going to hell.
4. Sleeping in until 2:30pm. Going back to sleep around 8:30 pm. Animal Crossing in between, I think? It’s hard to remember. 

In a time like this, you wear:

1. What you would normally wear at the normal times! This really helps keep up a sense of purpose. Business casual from 8 to 6, then activewear for the daily online workout with your trainer, then a smart yet comfortable at-home outfit for family dinner on the renovated patio, then silk pajamas before lights-out.
2. Stretchy, comfortable, cozy clothing that helps you eliminate any negative feelings about your body. 
3. Seriously, do you understand what is going on? And you’re asking me what I’m wearing? A Mickey Mouse costume, you happy now? My God.
4. What I’ve been wearing since mid-March. 

RESULTS

If you picked mostly (1), you are: Productivity itself! You are either clinging to the fabric of reality with your fingernails and will very soon find yourself devolving into a different category in this quiz, or, you’re just weirdly extremely good at this! Like…weirdly good at this. Why are you so good at this? Wait, can anyone else see you or are you just a figment of my imaginat

If you picked mostly (2), you are: Self-care star! Instagram knows that you are all about that personal growth lifestyle. You are taking radical responsibility and also giving yourself plenty of grace. You are finding what feels good. You are living in your truths. You are finally waking up to self-love. Now is your time to shine. But only if you, in your power, want to.

If you picked mostly (3), you are: Angry. I get it.

If you picked mostly (4), you are: Maybe depressed. I also get it.

(In case you want to know my results, I’m all of the above.)